Trash Dump

This Puzzle

2006-11-01T00:25:00.000-08:00

Hey, look, I am putting pieces together. My picture is done. I get an Ipod, yes?

I win. You do not.

Look, I have been gone for a while. So what? Does your CEO hang around talking to you? When is the last time you have heard from your V.P.? I am not obligated to you. However, I am going to allow you to be in my presence once again.

So, back to the puzzle.

So, I am talking to this chick on the phone right now. She is hot. Way hot and I am trying to impress her. So, I am telling her about how big my Ipod is and how much it can handle and all.

Then she says, "Yeah, so I had an Ipod way back and the ceo gave it to me."

WTF, the CEO gave it to her? WTF?

Well, listen up dear readers. You are dear you know? I am fucking pissed now. Not only is she gonna get an ipod but so are you.

Here is to getting fucked. Oh, and any marketers reading this can go get fucked too.

For you we find those meshed for war in the form of Ninja

2005-02-22T08:00:00.000-08:00

Lamammals starts in:

"We keep seeing a repeating pattern in things that work and don't work on the web and in any system for which a network is the pattern and things that don't work just die off: connectedness. Maybe getting laid IS the real criterion of success or happiness. Works for me."

"The universe whispers Oz and the longer I am around, the more I realize what he really meant when he said, "Oh no my dear, I am a very good man. I'm just a very bad wizard." Maybe we really don't need wizards for most of life's affairs. Being connected is good enough. Why don't we know that? Is it a secret we keep from ourselves? As in the Oz spinoff, "Wicked", the Witch says to the dinner guests, "...the nature of evil is to be secret." and so many of our connections are hidden. The Bonobos don't do it that way. Why do we? Why, indeed"
-------------------------------------------------------------------

They tell me my career is dead because I piss people off, yet I watch them doing exactly what I need them to do. Power is not for the timid. Try to do good as the wicked watch and they will always do exactly as you wish: become angry and scheme to take your plans and make them their own. Mission accomplished. Evil is made to serve good. The universe moves.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Life Among The Mammals: The Universe Whispers OZ: The Bucket Brigade of Good Deed Doers: "the laughter and fun of being in a play with kids who love what they do and have yet to become as cynical as you; therefore, they still think they can make the world better with their art. And just as the folksonomy groups make their categories, the open source programmers free the artists from the record labels, and the new entrepeneurs liberate ideas, you and yours must witness sourly or otherwise, the bucket brigade of goodness of ordinary people with extraordinary hearts making good on their promise to their children that there is still a yellow brick road out there, still an emerald city, still a chance to be free and happy and by their own making."

Think on these things, I say.

Sessum in my head

2005-02-22T07:09:00.000-08:00

So, I am going through my newsgator feeds and noticing how many fellow bloggers come to mind. Allied was on the brain with this news story below. But, the news is not important. Kombinat! is at work here. This is a gem in worst practices. Yes. No viral infections here. Only humans touching humans, not purple cows.

AMNews: Feb. 28, 2005. Experts consider HT for younger women ... American Medical News: "After the release of the July 2002 Women's Health Initiative findings, many women chose to abandon their hormone pills, and many physicians decided to offer other options."

This fear of money talk

2005-02-21T18:57:00.001-08:00

Maybe it was Multi-level marketing that cursed the blogging AND money gig before it took off. Maybe to many invites to dinner with a white board sprung and a "get into my new business and you will become a wealthy person fast" speech that made many gun shy. But this should not be.

This is different. Here we could blog AND have cashflow. The voice carries consistently all the way to the bank and then buys a round for the community. Messy, nasty voice. Be it financial software or whatever. Who made this "no links within editorial text" rule for bloggers. We are not editors. I am not talking to journalists here. Hello? Journalists get paid. Forget the music box held by those that are making the rules. We don't need no education. Floyd was singing about blogging...

Ok, so maybe it is something else...

Maybe some have a fear of selling when that fear does not exist when we sell our souls to a job we do not believe in. Or even one that we do believe in, but have no freedom with. Gotta pay those bills. Gotta buy that ipod. Sell the soul. No fear.

Tell me, is Rageboy fucked up and un-gonzo when he slings his stuff at his new playground? No, he plays.

And who would you go to if you want some advice about Alpha males? Even pay for it. Who would you call if you needed an ID solution? Corporate Content?

Norlin posted a bit about Haterade and marketing and fear and other bullshit:

Good marketing can be funny, down to earth, self-aware and effective all at
once.
Marketing is not a four letter word. Fuck is a four letter word. And
good marketers aren't afraid to say "fuck" (when appropriate - god knows i do).

Hey, I am not one to dance with satire. I like to watch it. My art is reading it. Not writing it. So, let me say it short.

It is time we got over our snobbishness and start dealing with real freaking life. And hell, if I can throw my coins to Doc or Camilo or this English Cutter instead of the store owner down the road that never took the time to go through pain and laughter with me, then damn it, I am gonna.

Time to put Cluetrain in preperation for the Tour De France. Armstrong is done next year. No more yellow bracelets.

Interview with Kombinat

2005-02-21T18:57:00.000-08:00

We caught up with kombinat while he was running naked in the streets with a purple hat sitting on his head. We would have preferred him to cover himself with this purple hat. He refused. Refused in the nature of one going to war. Emphatic.

Mayo: Nice hat.

K!: You like? I have more things like this hat. Many more. I will get them for you. Little cost, my friend. For you, little cost.

Mayo: Yes, well, ok. Some questions first, if you will.

K!: Sure, yes. Nothing off limits here.

Mayo: As I can see before me. But, we like getting to the point. There are rumors of you doing battle with Mr. Gould of Weblogs inc. Care to comment?

K! : Fuck getting to the point. There are no rumors. This is war. I have had my fill with their old Boones Farm wine in new skins. Have you bothered to check their site before you ask me such a ridiculous question? Are you wanting to be beaten by my stick as well?

Mayo: So, to speak? Or (noticing his hat alone) THE stick.

K!: Either or. Listen, no listen. Really, this Gould character is an idiot. He has let this about.com buyout fill his fantasies of wealth untold. Yet, someone forgot to fill him in. He is simply a writer there. Not even that. They call themselves "journalists." Jason will rip his head off and puke down his throat if this plastic Gould stands in the way of his "vision." It has been done before

Did you manage to read his ridiculous post on this scam that he was suckered into?

Mayo: Who? What?

K!: Gould, his write-up about the hair that is about to lose all of it unless $50k in funds by June is available. Pure scam. Holding an animal for ransom and weblogs inc, this new web media company that will change the world, pimping traffic to it. High heels and all. They are zeros. Pawns. The whole lot of them.

Mayo: Well he did state further down that it was more important for him to let the bloggers correct his mistakes so he could post more. So maybe he was just mistaken about Toby the rabbit scam. He does want to post much.

K!: Oh, that is endearing. Post what? More shillings for the emperor that has no clothes?

Mayo: (strikes the joke about present company) A bit strong don't you think? After all, they simply want to bring a new voice to media and marketing and change weblogging. Do you not say that?

K!: I say nothing of the sort. I say it is time to make cash. You should do your homework before you interview, or quit pretending you do. Either or, as I have said. And new voice? Are you fucking kidding me? I wasted 6 hours reading their shit. It was all shit. Every bit. Shit with class reunion ads beside writings about dead squid. What, school of fish? WTF. There is no voice there. They are "journalists" they say. Whatever. Are we done here?

Mayo: Well, not quite. I was really wanting to get to the point which I thought we had discussed on the phone earlier.

K!: Peekaboo. Are you hearing what I say? Shit gets said and flies all over. This is voice. It is messy and fucked and human. Passion, comrad. Anger and the all consuming fire. You expect me to remember what I said on the phone? This is not some PR scam. I have no toby bunny for sale. You must have me confused with Jack "my precious" Valenti or that Gordon fellow. Calling him Mister was a mistake. That should be reserved for elderly men who dance in streets and have stories. Not for some shill.

Mayo: Ok, hell. Simmmmma down now. My question was all wrong. But, your point has been made.

K!: Made? I have made nothing. This blog thing is dead. Time to breed the few voices with the virgin. Time to go to the dumpster. Time for engagement and talking about real shit and real life and going back and forth and hey btw I used this lawyer when I was thrown in jail for beating the hell out of lame media blogging CEOs. Maybe the lawyer could get you outa your misery. Here is his link. And get back with me on how he did. And if he does well pass him along like a good handkerchief. And btw, if he does a good job then we make him pay me a cut. WE make HIM pay a cut. That way we can go out for a drink that he pays for.

That is the shit. Right there. Time to breed and talk about life and help each other out. I grow tired of salespeople and marketers doing it to all of us. Ones with no voice. No passion. No want of engagement. Time for us to do it to ourselves. And, btw, no fucking ads that are standing on the outside the gates of our place just waiting to be clicked. Screw them. They made no effort to Kombat or to heal wounds or to bicker. They are all clean sitting up in glass houses. Sterile.

Mayo: I am afraid the time has come where I am tired.

K!: Yes, hotel on the corner. Owner is a messy blogger. Tell them "Purple hat" sent you. Ask for my room.

Mayo: I was kidding about being tired, but ok. Saves me the time looking.

K!: Exactly. But I now am tired of all this. Waste this has been. But bi-product it is. Cash flows. Get it?

Mayo: Yeah. Got it. But can I get to the one thing I was trying to bring up?

K!: Save it.

Before I can turn off the recorder K! runs into the streets shouting with carts following him full of things. I wanted to give him the research I did. The funny facts I found. I suppose I will leave them for you. No commenting on them from me. Just tid bits.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The fact that Calacanis has never blogged does little to enhance his credibility in the blogosphere.

Marketwatch's story: "Calacanis's challenge is to find solid, fact-checking, deadline-driven, responsible journalists whose reporting will be trusted and perhaps, even bought, by business." No doubt. That's the bane of self publishing, beautifully evidenced by the fact that, as of this writing, Calacanis's own name is misspelled in the footer of Weblogs, Inc. (pictured here for posterity). When I had my first full-time job as a journalist 18 years ago, my editor imparted this axiom of the news biz on one of my first days: "If you can't trust a journalist to spell a name right, what of his reporting can you trust?

I made a mistake

2005-02-21T11:42:00.000-08:00

I have another blog I post to my therapist on. She reads my posts and adjusts my dosages (plural) accordingly. I was confused as to which identity I was using. This is not the right one. Well, I mean for the dosages to be regulated.

So, I apologize, treasured reader. You are now my therapist. Therefore, hush hush. Send drugs too if you have them. Only legal ones that fuck you up, not the illegal ones that do. There is a difference, you know. They say so.

So, all our outrage against whatever machine we were railing against really is not so. Please, dear client, understand this was all a mistake. No firings.

Also, with encouragement from K! I have opened up the Gonzo Marketing book to chapter 7 . Reading now.

Read, brand stained eyes, read. You will soon be cleansed.

Sales people at least tell you they are about to rip your head off

2005-02-21T10:36:00.000-08:00

If sales is about closing the deal and has never changed why is it that marketing went from engineering the future (via Jonar Nader) to the 5 p's?

Tommy boy goes Gonzo

2005-02-21T10:19:00.000-08:00

Memorable Quotes from Tommy Boy (1995):
Tommy: Let's think about this for a sec, Ted, why do they put a guarantee on a box? Hmm, very interesting.

Ted: I'm listening.

Tommy: Here's how I see it. A guy puts a guarantee on the box 'cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside.

Ted: Yeah, makes a man feel good.

Tommy: 'Course it does. Ya think if you leave that box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter.

Ted: What's your point?
Tommy: The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? 'Building model airplanes' says the little fairy, but we're not buying it. Next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.

Ted: But why do they put a guarantee on the box then?

Tommy: Because they know all they solda ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for right now, for your sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality item from me.

Ted: Hmm. Okay, I'll buy from you.

Tommy: Well, I...What?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the sound of one hand clapping, kids?

Cinco de mayo for xtians

2005-02-21T09:32:00.000-08:00

Time to mix it up. The Bible belt deserves to play too. There are alternatives to proms because real christians don't dance. Didn't you know? So, we are organizing marketers for the x-tian community. We will create a party atmosphere. We will serve tonic water with margarita mix and salt or sugar rims. We will offer choreography. No dancing in the streets. We are gathering Seth of the Purple Cow movement. Sign-up here if you want to create a more pure Jerry Fallderwell nation. Let us take it back to where it belongs.

One more message for marketers if you are drawn to the community and want to do good:

Go Kill Yourselves!

Signal. Signal.

The mission of this site

2005-02-21T09:16:00.000-08:00

Circa 1990 somethin. Covey says we should all have mission statements. Get all your whiteboards out. Brainstorm. What is your life about? What is your company about. What do your customers (consumers-customers=OUT) want? What does this all mean.

Then some figured it out: Nothing.

Damn straight. Screw all that dribble about statements and mountain climbing and team building and whale done [!] and fishtales and purple cows (wtf did all the animals do to deserve this treatment?).

Gimme a garbage dump. No mormon work ethic here. Go away if you want to be highly successful and have habits in the form of the complete (7). None of that.

Go away if you want to prioritize or itemize.

No, you did not hear, Go away.

Go create some garbage. Tell your Franklin planner people to schedule a task to send the garbage here.

This is how it starts here. First, by telling you to go away.